I have tried to write this post so many times. I suppose it perfectly illustrates what it’s like to have social anxiety, be back at university and be an introvert. I’d like to extend both of our apologies for the lack of posts over the past month or so. The reason for that is threefold: university started, meaning increased work and stress as well as a sudden social life (I know, I’m surprised too); I discovered Arrow was on Amazon Prime (I’m so sorry); and we finally got a scart adapter to make the Wii connect to the TV in our house (Just Dance at 1am – not the best idea). As an aside – one of my housemates is amazing at dancing and it’s ridiculous. I have been so distracted and tired lately that even when I have managed to click the WordPress bookmark that I often stare at it blankly for a few minutes before closing it and navigating to a less labour-intensive site.
It’s weird, really – I tell everyone I’m very lazy but honestly, I rarely have the energy for anything. Seriously. If you take away the tiredness, iron deficiency, and lack of sleep, there’s still the mental fatigue that comes from being stressed and anxious 24/7. It’s no wonder I have such difficulty doing even “simple” things, like walking to the Co-op to buy almond milk. Add in getting out and being social and you begin to see the problem.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and we always have a great time hanging out, whether that involves getting food in the union or watching Marvel films until 3am. I do enjoy it, which is why I don’t like saying no to going out with people or staying longer somewhere or even agreeing to do something far off in the future (with the exception of making Infinity War plans, those are 10000% happening everyone). It’s incredibly draining for me in both a social and mental sense.
The thing is, I get exhausted just socialising for a little bit. It’s literally like I’m a Sim with limited capability to talk to people or be somewhere without my energy metre plummeting (sometimes I can practically feel it). It doesn’t matter if it’s a society meeting or a bus ride with my friends or even sitting in my living room with my housemates. After a certain amount of time my ability to deal with the situation decreases at an alarming rate.
Obviously a lot of this is my anxiety, but what I’ve noticed is that I can only take so much of being around other people before I start feeling fidgety and anxious. I regularly find myself daydreaming about being in my room alone. I hate that I waste so much time binge watching programmes when I could be doing something productive or hanging out with my friends, but I genuinely feel I need to. For some reason I just can’t function without having at least an hour or so to myself to watch Agents of SHIELD or play The Sims 3 or something. At least I don’t have exams to study for anymore. I’m not a battery charger, but occasionally it does feel like I’m a phone on 4% trying to get everything done before I completely switch off.
I never thought about calling myself an introvert before; I get lonely and need company sometimes, I miss being around certain people, and I can be quite confident around people I trust. But recently it’s become clear to me just how introverted I actually am. Last weekend after a trip to The Glasgow Women’s Library (which was amazing by the way) I was upset that I didn’t have any time to recharge and prepare myself for another week of uni. It felt a little like I’d “wasted” my free days. I thoroughly enjoyed the trip and I want to go again, but I could not for the life of me shake that feeling.
I’m actually kind of glad I know why I’m like this now. Lingering anxiety doesn’t help when you’re worried your medication is failing. Maybe now I’ll be able to sleep better. That is, after I finish the third series of Arrow.
Thanks for being so patient.
Until next time ♥