I’ve always been the optimistic one, the one who tries to stay positive, the “it’ll be alright”, “you’ll be okay”, “it won’t always be so hard”, “I know you can do it” one. The one who stays up all night to comfort her friend while feeling like a fraud because she can’t see it getting better herself.
This is not me asking for recognition. I’m perfectly happy to help my friends if and when they need it. What I hate is how much I can’t relate to the words I say to try to make people feel better. It’s exhausting to pretend. I’m really not sure how much longer I can do it for. It’s not that I believe my friends when they say they’re worthless or stupid or unlovable, it’s that I don’t know how to stop them believing all the worst thoughts they have about themselves. Because I haven’t figured out how to do it myself.
I know that everyone else I know has it worse than me, and that I barely have a right to complain.
But I’m just so damn tired of keeping it all in.
Of keeping stuff from my family so they won’t feel bad for making me feel awful. Of holding my tongue and not agreeing with my friends’ pessimistic statements for fear of setting them back. Of feeling forced to constantly be positive, say the right thing, do everything right. Of repeatedly brushing everything off with “but I’m fine though” or “I’ll be okay”. Of lying all the time, even by omission. All while trying so hard just to be “normal”.
I feel like I’m acting through my life. But there’s a reason I never took drama past S2. I feel as if I’m speeding down the motorway towards some impending breakdown I’ve been waiting years for. It’s like I’m just thrashing around, struggling to keep my head above water, but you see, I’ve never been able to swim. Nobody can handle me, that’s the truth. It sounds overdramatic but I can’t force people to deal with me at my worst. That would be so unfair and would do nothing but upset others. I hate it though. I don’t want to be a burden, so I get written off as “moody” or “unsociable”, just so I don’t drag anyone else down with me.
But what can I do but hope? How else can I get through life if I don’t try to be optimistic? I read all these articles and reblog all these positivity posts and memorise quotes to send to my friends and yet it never helps me. “Thinking positive” is really my only chance.
I’m not going to end this post on a positive note. This is because I feel obliged to, and yet I don’t want to. I shouldn’t have to make any feel comfortable with my mental illness, especially when not even I am.
So just try to act positive. Who knows, it might actually work.